Garbage.net – My Blog, My Life

So I’ve been working in downtown Chicago for about two and a half years.  Even though I like it downtown I feel like I don’t really fit in.  I’ve come to the conclusion that this is due to the clothes I wear.  I don’t wear the official uniform of Chicago.  I’m talking, of course, of The North Face high-performance clothing.  No matter where you go downtown you see everyone wearing either North Face jackets, pants, shirts or backpacks.  I’ve decided it’s time for change (since change is popular right now).  I will embrace the downtown uniform and buy a complete North Face outfit.  Here is what I’m purchasing:

Hoth Biclimate Hat $35
With removable ear flaps and a berber fleece lining, this stylish hat provides diverse functionality for the outdoor athlete.

Denali Jacket $185
Made from recycled materials, we’re stopping the flow of materials to landfills; eliminating waste and saving valuable resources. You can’t tell from looking at it – this classic fleece looks the same, featuring abrasion-reinforced shoulders, elbows, and a functional fit to withstand years of use.

Organic Logo T-Shirt $30
Made from 100 percent organic cotton jersey, this soft, lightweight fabric flatters the body with its relaxed drape.

Liberation Pants $169
The man who adorns these pants, however, may just stay a little warmer, dryer and comfortable than the rest.

Lightweight Boxer $30
Made from Carbon from Bamboo technology, you’ll benefit from the wicking and odor-absorption properties that keep you dry and comfortable on long pursuits outdoors.

Kelvin Gloves $150
Engineered for exploration, this glove brings the waterproof, breathable qualities of Gore-Tex together with the warm insulation of PrimaLoft® to create the ultimate, durable glove for everyday winter endeavors.

Multisport Quarter Socks $15
Today’s high-energy outdoor athletes want it all and aim for everything: climbing big walls, running steep mountain trails, and biking gnarly singletrack.

Bozeman Boots $140
From winter treks through the streets of Kathmandu, or snow-covered outings on the cobblestone streets of downtown Boulder, the Bozeman Boot fits the bill.

Recon Backpack $115
Redesigned to include sleek and stylish features, this daypack allows you to comfortably haul a slew of items without even batting an eye.

Total: $869

I don’t know about you but I think the “Liberation Pants” are pretty HOTT… right ladies?  Now the big question is, what am I going to wear the next day?

I leave you today with another video from my good friend, Gordon Griggs.  In this video he shows us the sweet Octobans he bought off Ebay.  That Ebay thing is pretty amazing.  I think it’s really going to take off some day.

Yesterday I saw an amazing clip from a tutorial site called Infinite Solutions.  It explained how to easily increase the wireless capabilities of a computer with 4 simple items: a cellphone, ethernet cable, a salad bowl and aluminum foil.  It totally blew my mind.  Unfortunately, I know very little about networks and how the Internet works.  I guess attractive latex-clad women wearing gas masks don’t just magically appear.

Therefore, I have decided to learn more about networking.  I’m planning to purchase the newest edition of Computer Networking: A Top-Down Approach when it comes out in April.

I leave you with the Infinite Solutions clip.  Hopefully it will inspire you as well.

I am currently writing this from underneath the stairs trying to stay as quiet as possible.  I have never been more scared in my life.  A bizarre series of events have transpired in the past 72 hours.  I’m finally putting all the pieces together and I’m fairly certain the end is near.

Two days ago, we received a large crate shipment of cat treats.  I obviously thought it was some huge mixup since Nina is already huge without the treats.  So I called the company that sent the crate and they told me I had personally called last week around 6pm.  The lady said she recognized my voice and confirmed that the credit card was correct.  Even though this was extremely strange, I just kept telling myself this was someone’s idea of a joke and just forgot about it.

Then yesterday happens.  My parents had sent me a box with canned tuna from Spain (it’s amazing tuna).  I usually keep it in the box it’s shipped in and it usually lasts, I dunno, like 4 months.  I remember going upstairs for some chocolate milk.  Next thing I remember after that is waking up downstairs on the couch.  I woke up dazed and confused and proceeded to go upstairs.  When I get upstairs, the box of tuna is completely empty.  In the garbage can there are about 20 opened tuna cans, but no tuna anywhere.  Chris was at a school activity so there is no way she could’ve opened the tuna.  I go check on the cats and they are both sleeping on the bed like usual.  So I’m a little freaked out but I don’t tell anyone since Chris thinks I’m crazy enough already.

So finally today comes along.  I had to go to the attic to store a couple of boxes.  I get up there and this is the scene I see.  Plush carpet, indirect lighting, 3 cases of cat treats and 2 cat-sized couches.  I start to panic.  I think the cats have learned how to control my mind, put me in some sort of hypnosis.  How long has this been going on?  Did I remodel the attic without knowing?  Is this why I have cuts on my hands and why I’m exhausted every morning?  I need to try and escape.  I’m writing this just in case I don’t get out.

Oh no…  I hear an animal coming down the stairs and I don’t think it’s a pretty pony. Wish me luck, Wilbur.

Fellow humans, it is time to put an end to discrimination.  For too long have we lived under the dark ages of “laundry accidents”, peer pressure from loved ones and feline judgment.

Don’t we all enjoy comfort?  Then why the hell get rid of the most comfortable thing in this world?  I’m talking, of course, of old, disintegrating t-shirts.

Eight years ago, I decided to put an end to this premature extinction.  I have kept all my old t-shirts in a secret compartment in the attic, even after they have gone through some devastating mutilation thanks to our “friend”, the washing machine.  I wear these trophies late at night after Chris goes to bed.  There is nothing better in the world than to lounge in comfort as I watch re-runs of Walker, Texas Ranger.

It is true that sometimes Chris has to revive me in the middle of the night because I incorrectly put my head through an arm hole.  But once I come back to the land of the living, I’m rewarded with eternal softness and a cat that simultaneously headbutts and meows.

I present you one of my most prized possessions.  I’ve placed a boring non-disintegrated t-shirt underneath so you can appreciate the hole-iness.

I leave you tonight with one of my favorite clips from Conando.  Enjoy and really keep it realer than real, really.